Gaijin

gaijin - [japanese]
an outsider; foreigner.

The Gaijin

Scent filled mist,
The first breath of air
Young and innocent,
Alive and chirping

Devilish in desire,
Dismissive by nature
Impish and arrogant,
Kicking and screaming

Gentle breeze
Hand in hand, walk on the beach
Loving and caring,
Living and lasting

A fly on the wall,
To this world I look upon
To this world, I haven't belonged in
I'm Gaijin.

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If pictures speak a thousand words
An idea spurs a million
I'm not in love with a picture of you,
I'm in love with the idea of you

But how can it be love
When the words I say, they push you away
How can it be love
When I feel it for you and you don't feel it for me

Its a hope that is hoped for, but better left in despair
Its a dream that is dreamt, but best served unfulfilled

My beloved

Oh my beloved,
Of dreams, beach and breeze
When you come to life
In the moment, forever I want to freeze

Oh my beloved,
I've carved you out in clay
When you come to life
Will you love me or slip away

The "Singled" out feeling

Visualization.

There's bridge A and there's bridge B. You are currently on bridge A. While on bridge A, you are quite happy with where you are, your career is going well, you have a decent set of friends, everyday life is not too short of peachy.

Quite happy is not good enough, because bridge B is something that you have idolized. Bridge B is where you think you belong. Its where you know you'll be happy beyond belief.

There are no known connectors to the life at bridge B. Currently, there is no awareness to a transition mechanism to cross over to bridge B, to sum it up, its barely in sight , but not completely gone. You want bridge B so much that you won't accept that it is not there. The classical argument being, "Just because you can't see it now, doesn't mean that it is not there". It is not just getting to bridge B, it is doing so with all the right factors.

Bridge A is a good place to be, for it could be worse, but now that it s there, now that it is under control, it is inevitable that bridge B is hoped for, because remaining on bridge A is akin to feeling crowded while alone and feeling lonely while in a crowd.

It is being singled out and watching the world go by, wishing that the fog is cleared and believing that bridge B is not just a destination, its the start of another journey.

Being alone and being lonely

Why does the mind wander?
Why does your heart feel a longing for that it has never felt ?
Why is there this "quest" for something, anything ?
Why can't the mind, heart and a relative state of well being stay constant and retain happiness to never feel the "blues" ?
Why is being alone, lonely ?

I think for some people, there is this little voice somewhere inside that is saying, yes you are happy now, but there's more. There's more, you don't know it yet, but its there. You can't stop believing in it, because you know it exists, no matter how much it eludes you, no matter how much pain the pursuit of it causes, you know it exists and deep inside, you know you want it and you want let go of it. No matter how conscious an effort you make to not let it affect you, it resurfaces and when it does, you are lonely even when you are not alone.

Do I want to be rid of it? Can I get rid of it? If I did, will it make me happier ? If I did, will I never feel the emptiness ever again? I guess the answer is, you can't feel much empty when it already is the bottom of the barrel with nothing in it. Perhaps this is why they say hope keeps you afloat? For those that are courageous enough to let the water flow, I hope somewhere, sometime, you will let it in again.

As for me, I'm staying afloat for as long as it takes. No matter what.

What is Love?

I guess it means different things to different people. To me personally, I think it's the one person you absolutely can't do without.

I see life as continuous growing experience. A relationship adds a new dimension. That new dimension inspires you to be better than you ever imagined. It is your loudest critic and your strongest supporter at the same time.

So to be ready to think about the dimension, I think it's important that two people really know and understand what they want for themselves, individually before deciding what they want from each other and as a couple collectively.

This certainly puts a pragmatic twist to Love. I can say that at least one thing that isn't practical is the chemistry between two people. To me, that is pure coincidence and it doesn't happen with everyone.

I'm always going to be one of those fools who believe that the person I end up with will be THE person, for I believe that no matter the circumstances and no matter the hardships, the collective will of two people, either consciously or sub-consciously (luck) will ensure that they end up together.

To sum it up, to me, Love is a combination of coincidence, being at peace with ourselves, knowing what we want and a dash of good luck.

It eludes me.